Ugghhh!

Soooo, I got my period again! I could cry! The funny thing is- is that I did cry! But the even funnier thing is, I couldn't cry like I used to! It was almost like a fake cry that kids do- when they want to get their parents attention- you know- no tears... well I had a few tears- but then my eyes were suddenly and somehow dry. God is comforting me.

I am really bummed! I really want Jon to get tested while I am getting tested. But he's not so crazy about the idea. I feel frustrated & disappointed- like I' m letting my family down. I know how badly my mom wants a grandchild, how I'd love for my nanny who was recenlty diagnosed with cancer to meet our child on this earth. But, it might not happen! And I have to somehow be okay with that. I'm not in my own power okay with it at all, in fact as I write, a tear is forming in my right eye, and well, I just feel sad. I long so badly to be pregnant- to have a child in my womb! To see feel the excitement of a positive test, to see the smile and tears from my mother. To tell my sister, she's going to be an aunt! To tell my husband, that God has blessed us- He has answered our prayers!

But I can't do that yet...

and it hurts...

But I know that there is a reason! That there is a God that changed my life- who loves me- who has made himself known in so many other ways. I would feel safe saying, that if he hadn't made himself known before- I'd never believe and trust Him now. But I know He's real- He's shown me... like when he said so clearly to me that I'd go to She Speaks- and I did. And I went for virtually nothing after he provided the funds. Or, when I prayed for friends two years ago, and He has blessed me abundantly...

What I'm going through feels like unjustified torture, unfair punishment, cruelty beyond measure.

Tomorrow I will celebrate my birthday. I will remember that because my mom at age 17 chose life and sacrifice, that I will be celebrating my 29th year of my life. I will be reminded that God does perform miracles and that He does place children in our wombs at the perfect time and even in crazy circumstances He makes good of it all! I will be reminded that when 17 seems too young for one person- that 29 seems so old to another- but also that when it doesn't make sense to us- it all makes sense to Him!

But why in the midst is it so hard!? I know for my mom- 29 years ago- being pregnant in high school was hard- but now we have a great relationship and b/c she has lupus- it was so good that she had us early! I wish I knew why it's God's will for me to wait! But I don't... and I don't know that my mom - with an infant in her arms at 17 had anything to do but wait to see why that was a good thing. But--- I know and see that God is a God that wants to bless us...and that it doesn't always make sense but that He does in fact know what He's doing and He does it well!

Lord,
Please hear my prayers for a child! I am crying out to your Lord! I desire to feel a child in my womb and to raise it to know you! I am hurting, but I do trust you Lord. Help me to be patient. Help me to believe and know that this is part of your perfect plan for my life. Help Jon and I to seek you and follow you and know your will and obey you. Comfort and give peace and patience to my family as they wait with me! Lord, please reveal yourself to me and them in a powerful way through this circumstance so that we can see your goodness in what feels like an inescapable pool of sorrow and grief. Thank you for all you do, and all you've blessed us with! In Jesus' name. Amen.